Walking between the Worlds

I Need A Plan, Man

Okay, this is what is bugging me today.  Among other things.

I had a five year plan of sorts, or struggled to have, with Almost NoRmL, my old band.  I knew we needed to get a CD done for instance.  Many obstacles came up while we were trying to make that goal.  One of them was my singing, so I went to vocal class.  One of the results of this was that I realized that I wasn't going to be able to make my goals for the vocal level I wanted to achieve and remain in the band, so I quit the band.

All my life I wanted a plan but I didn't have one. 

Of course, when I was young and a single mom going to school there was a clear plan: graduate with my degree so I could make a living.  Then I did that, and starting raising the kid and working as a technical writer.  I always thought I should be a novelist so in fits and starts I worked on my writing.  This was during my using years so dope interfered with everything.... naturally....

When I got clean my goals were to stay clean and try to raise my daughter to maturity without either of us dying.  This second goal was achieved.    During this time I had several long term goals in mind and I struggled with all of them: should I put everything into my corporate career?  Should I try to be a writer? Should I go back to academia?  Would I retire to a little vine covered brick house or would try to pull a Steinbeck and travel around America in a small caravan with a dog at my side?

Rosa left home.  I had empty nest symdrome.

I worked on my creative recovery....

Then I was floundering.  I had my marriage, I worked on creative recovery... the idea of music was floating around but I didn't "Get" it, I still thought of myself primarily as a failed novelist or writer of some kind.  My marriage failed.  Again I lost my plan which had been to retire to Prescott to help Mom in her old age with my ex who would work there in his field (matching auto paint) and I would teach and write. 

I went back to the creative recovery work and it eventually lead me to Larry, who put his Martin in my hands thus evoking the storm of tears and the realization of my lost dream.  And with Larry I formed Almost NoRmL and we began writing songs. 

What do you do when you find "the lost dream"?

It was around this time that I was in the midst of my fourth time through the 12 steps of recovery.  I am now on step 9 in that cycle.  And they say in the middle of step 9 is when the miracles happen.  And I somehow realize the music is the center of everything.  Music is recovery and HP.  No, I won't let go of meetings and staying clean as a primary goal.  I don't know how to articulate what I am seeing very well....

Music is "my lost dream".  And Music is my "creativity".   Yes I will still write other stuff... but the core of my path, of my work is music.   "The Path" is from Higher Power, it is "of" Higher Power, and it is "Higher Power".  It is the goal and it is the source.  It is the center of my existence. 

Why ...oh Why????!!!

I also don't know why ... I spent almost all my life so far, surely half my life or longer in toto, NOT knowing what my purpose in life was, what my dream was.  I know the factors that made this so, being born a woman, being raised in a family that didn't value music, and just my sheer pig-headedness, but... I don't understand WHAT goodness can come from this blindness on my part, which I experience as a loss... I know that losses can turn into wins.  And I know that everything has some form of meaning or goodness that can gleaned from it.  Maybe I can help others.  Or maybe it's just a tragedy... I don't know.

I only know once you know your dream, if you do the footwork, you will be provided the guidance and the resources to follow that path.  It might not be straight and it might not lead where you think it will but it will be important and real and vital and... it will be more than you even COULD dream.

A "1 Year" Plan?!??!?! What good is that?

So after I broke up with Almost NoRmL, I decided to have a temporary holding "1 year plan".  It was mainly to make my vocal goals (I think I am at least 1 year still from those but am not sure), write my own songs, improve all my musical skills, and then come up with a better long term plan for my music.

In the meantime, I had also broken up with Bill, was hurt, confused, and a wee bit... shall we say... crazy?

But I know more now....

Now, I'm still crazy.  I'm always crazy.  But I feel that having a clearer 5- to 10-year plan would really help now.  I know more than I knew about 4 months ago or so when this "1 year plan" started.  I know more about how to write songs.  My vocals are improving.  I know some of what I need to do to continue that improvement.  I know some musical skills I will need and I know some more studio set up that I will need.  I know what TYPE of music I want my next 20 or so songs to be.  I know that there are collaborators-to-be out there somewhere.  I have some ideas about things I would like to do or achieve, places I would like to go. 

... and I need a better plan...

A number of problems are frustrating to me right now... dealing with my weight loss and health... what to do about dating and relationships... and some other long term planning needs... my mundane job and career... finances... if I at least could take what I know and outline some type of plan towards my goals I would be able to use it as a framework to make decisions and I would have more peace.

...and my friends and family to believe in me...

I know that I cannot do this alone.  The first help I need comes from a power greater than myself who I call various names including God... and the rest comes from my friends and family.  Trik Turner sings "Sometimes all I need is the air I breathe and my friends and family to believe in me."  I start with a prayer and I continue by asking for help and insights and support from my peops.  I center in love and faith and hope and walk on...

Thanks for listening....

Laid off! And Adventures and Misadventures Since

On a hot June morning I got a message to call my consulting agency, the agency through which I worked full-time as a contractor at a branch of a major financial services company.

I had a funny feeling about the call, and spent the remainder of the day playing phone tag with the admin assistant. When I finally got a hold of her, it turns out she was tasked by someone in the consulting agency to let me know my last day was June 26^th, which was by then, not a full two week’s notice, but close. Who ever was supposed to give me notice was out of town and it took the agency a few days of phone tag to find someone to tell me.

As I hit “end” on my cell, I was galvanized into the frenzy of action that accompanies a job search.

But self doubt assailed me.  Why was I being laid off?

My first thoughts were of my performance in March and April, the months immediately following my mom’s death (on Feb. 14) and my move into my new place with my boyfriend. I was grief stricken, overwhelmed, and sleep deprived. 

In addition, in February I had been switched to a project that was new to me in a number of ways.  Not only was it a complicated morass of migrating data (a process with which I had never worked before; my main experience is in software development), it involved three systems (two of which I wasn’t very familiar with), was already half completed by folks who were not known for good documentation or communication, and I was working with another Systems Analyst, who, although kind, tended to doubt my analytical abilities.

Then on top of it, I was bleary, weary, and I found myself taking a lot longer than I usually do to grab onto the subject and fly, showing off my abilities....

Finally, right as the decision must’ve been being made to lay me off, I was “getting it”.

A second thought was my hobbies.  I am a pack rat and carry everything I do with me in a backpack or bag. Having a bit of a private and spacious cubicle, I would unload postcards, books to release for bookcrossing, and of course, my all important Day Runner. In addition, I proudly pinned up postcards from all over the world.

I know from past experience that not only is it important to do a good job; it’s important to LOOK like you are doing a good job. Appearances matter.

I couldn’t really blame myself for my hard time after Mom died. Grief is part of life.  It is part of my path that I am a contractor and there is no room for stumbling in this gig.  Still, I can’t really blame myself for that.  I am nothing if not deeply HUMAN.

My boss took me aside and told me my lay off had nothing to do with my performance.  In fact, he would love to keep me and would hire me again if he had need of someone with my skills. They wanted someone with a specific technical skill – which they knew I could learn, but they felt it would take me some months to pick up – and they wanted someone with that skill right away. He promised to give me a good recommendation (and has lived up to his word, by the way).

But still I wallowed in guilt for a while.

In the meantime, my job search kicked into high gear. Before my last day I had an offer for a Business Systems Analyst job at a major manufacturer who was doing a major ERP project, installing SAP. I always wanted more experience in SAP and I considered that a very marketable item, so I accepted the job – a three month contract.

But more to come....