Walking between the Worlds: A Complete Reversal of Thinking

My favorite people

My bandmate
Larry - a genius, a technical writer, a father, and just all around great guy
My brother
My brother is an avid ballroom dancer, and this article is about his group in Prescott with a photo and a lot of quotes from him.
My maestro
one of the most successful,and most helpful, vocal and guitar instructors in the United States who has taught pop, rock, blues, hard rock, alternative, punk, emo, country, Latin and avant-guard styles.
My sister the Sister
My sister, a Dominican sister, creates a noted blog

Recently read

Philip Pullman: His Dark Materials
Still adding 2009, and going in a random order... I was very happy to read this triology... definitely a "I can't put it down" type of adventure, although I didn't like the ending... I won't spoil it for you. Would highly recommend to all fantasy fans. The Church portrayal didn't bother me, any more than did the portrayal of most grownups as being immature and hopelessly incompetent. It was all part of the story!
Sherry Argon: Why Men Love Bitches
A book I read in 2009 during my "read about dating" phase. This was the first book I picked up after Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go by Susan Forward and Craig Buck which I read for a friend but found helpful, so I decided to dip into the dating book genre. I picked this up in the airport! It is very entertainingly written and nicely organized, with sensible advice. It isn't so much about being "a bitch" but more about having healthy boundaries. This is one I would loan out to a friend -- I think it's pretty good advice overall. (****)
Steve Hodel : Most evil : Avenger, Zodiac, and the further serial murders of Dr. George Hill Hodel
Written by his son, this story puts together a meticulous case file on why George Hill Hodel is most likely the Zodiac killer. Good true crime story, very detailed, with an interesting side that it was written by the son of the alleged killer, who was never brought to justice. I would've liked a little more insight into Steve Hodel and a little less of the handwriting analysis detail, but overall very fascinating. I had read of the unsolved killings and Steve Hodel makes a good case that his father was actually the killer. (****)
Mario Acevedo: X-rated Blood Suckers
a vampire noir mystery... this is the second of the series... the writing improves half way through. I picked it up in the store and started reading in the middle -- that's how I got hooked. Pretty entertaining and if the writing style of the next one matches or exceeds this one, I might read more. But on the whole I think the whole vampire as detective thing could "pale" on me (sorry for the pun) pretty easily. The sex is sort of sexy, the mystery is sort of interesting, the characters are sort of boring. The most interesting features to me -- the older and more experienced vampire known as Coyote, the mysterious vampire organization "Araneum" who communicated with Felix the main character by bird, were drowned out by a cast of sleezy cardboard villians, ex-porn-stars, and Felix's tepid and unfulfilling human romantic interest. Felix spends most of the novel escaping assasination attempts which disguises the vapid plotting and the blase twin mysteries (who or what is behind the human-vampire collusion that the Araneum wants stopped and who or what killed Roxy Bronze along with an ever increasing body count of victims). On the other hand, I am very interested in Coyote and even came to like Felix a bit, although, honestly, he was kinda dumb and not very hot. The use of super powers can make a detective very boring....
Sharyn McCrumb: Highland Laddie Gone
Enjoyable and wry murder mystery set at a Highland Games festival. I love the set up, the characters, the writing style... a little old fashioned of a writing style but not too verbose. A little romance, a little humor, a cast of interesting characters. This is an early McCrumb and she got better in some of her later books, but it is still a super fun read.
Sharyn McCrumb: If Ever I Return, Pretty Peggy-O
As always good readable mystery from Sharyn McCrumb. (****)
David Zinczenko: The Abs Diet for Women: The Six-Week Plan to Flatten Your Belly and Firm Up Your Body for Life
Great ideas from Men's Health magazine... adapted specificall for women's life styles and needs. (****)
Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages for Singles (Chapman, Gary)
Helpful but not as in depth as I would've liked!
Marilu Henner: Wear Your Life Well: Use What You Have to Get What You Want
Inspriational and informative! (****)
Dominick Dunne: Justice: Crimes, Trials, and Punishments
Listened to in audio book form. This was read by Dominick Dunne himself which GREATLY enhanced enjoyability. Dunne has a great voice -- both physically and stylistically. This was a collection of article written about trials he has covered (mostly for Vanity Fair I gathered) starting with the first sad trial of the killer of his own daughter -- who was acquited and still is free. He has channeled his rage into positive action and helped many people, notably the mother of Martha Moxley, whose case went unsolved for almost 20 years, but whose killer is now behind bars. The book highlights the different ways the justice system works for the wealthy and the indigent, and is sprinkled not only with personalities and name dropping, but also with honesty, forth-right and couragous pronouncements, and willingness to take a risk for what Dominick Dunne sees as Justice. He would indeed be a great dinner guest! Highly recommended to true crime buffs, people who love great writing styles, people concerned about social justice, people with a streak of loving gossip (not me, giggle), and any one who loves a good, gripping true story of any kind! (*****)

September 18, 2008

A Complete Reversal of Thinking

Recently I was having Tarot card fun with a group of friends. One thing I like to do is to hold the card I'm reading up to each of my friends and get a reflection back from them on what they "see" in the card.

I pulled the Hanged One for my love life (such that it is) and held up it to each person. The Hanged One shows a person hanging upside down, tied by the foot to a tree.

The meaning of the Hanged One is complex and deep, touching on surrender, sacrifice, change, trusting the process, and more. However, one pithy comment from Will was "Completely reverse your way of thinking" (which is also a common meaning in the book interpretations of the card) and it rang true with me.

It also echoed with one of my favorite quotes from Step One in the Basic Text, "We found we had no choice but to completely change our way of thinking or go back to using."

What does this mean and how can it be achieved?

My long term associated step with the "Hanged One" with its imagery of surrender is of course, Step 3, "Turned our will and our life over to the care of a Power greater than ourselves."

However, when the card's meaning coupled with the rejoinder "Completely reverse your way of thinking" I was drawn back to that quote in step 1. In Step 1 I admit I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanagable"... this is a complete reverse for a using addict who continues to try to control results, outcomes, and other people...

When I first read that quote in the first step I was flummoxed. I had just gotten clean and I didn't now HOW to change my way of thinking. The answers I found later were in the remaining steps... developing a relationship with a power greater than myself, learning about myself and my disease, living by spiritual principles... all these helped me completely reverse my thinking.

My relationship with the Hanged Man card is now becoming more complex. Rather than the simple "turning over" of step 3, I see the entire process of working and living the spiritual principles of the steps. After all, steps 1, 2, and 3 (I can't, He Can, I think I'll Let Him) are just the beginning of a spiritual journey. After that comes much, much more...

What does this mean for "love life" issues?

Recently I had a dream about anorexia/addiction issues in which the legend on an ad for people like me was "Just Don't Do It". While this doesn't make sense for the anorexic part recovery on the face of it, I knew in my dream what it meant. In my dream I knew it made sense to not act out on either addictive OR anorexic behaviors, rather than just don't do "love/dating/sex" activities altogether.

Today on the way to work I felt "my soul". I feel that my soul is a part of me that "peeps out" through my eyes. She's sort of "bigger than me" and she "knows where God is". I'm sorry this is hard to articulate. She is not my heart/emotions, mind/thinking, or body, but she is connected to all of it and she "knows" stuff. Deep in this part of me, my soul, I know what is right for me.

Unfortunately there seems to be that deep rift behind heart/mind/body and soul. (SMILES)... but that is where the disipline of the 12 steps comes in. It repairs that for me.

I could probably now tell you about any given behavior whether or not it is abstinent or healthy for me... I am learning. I have "soul searched" about the last five years in particular and found that my basic direction is good for me -- even though at first I wondered, since I just broke up from a relationship. Didn't that failed relationship mean that my choices and behaviors were flawed, broken?

Not so, the failed relationship was an outcome of taking a risk to love someone. The relationship failed, but I didn't. I don't believe I loved perfectly, but I loved well. I pushed myself to be more intimate than ever before--I made some mistakes, but I learned.

The dream meant "Just Don't Do It". Don't tie attraction into expectations of outcomes. Don't shut down your feelings and refuse to feel just because of the fear of expecation of outcomes and potential disappointment. Don't blame yourself or others for the failures of those expectations of outcomes. Don't stop loving yourself or others because of expections of outcomes and disappointments. JUST DON'T ACT OUT ON ALL old hurts and losses that you project into the new situations. JUST DON'T DO IT.

Step 1 implies "not using". Not using in a process addiction is more subtle to define than in a substance addiction. Once defined, it's not that much harder not to do, I think. It's just a matter of going on to step 2 -- believing that I can be restored to sanity -- and step 3 -- reaching for that bigger power ... and then I will have the strength to walk through the remaining process.

Ha ha, I am laughing... not that hard at all! Believing that I can be restored to sanity!!! Well, got some work to do there! (SMILES)... But I have hope today, and hope is always ENOUGH... to keep moving!

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